Homesick
Anyone that knows us knows we recently moved back to Kansas City from our mountain home of Dillon, Colorado. I miss it horribly. I remember after having moved to Kansas City the first time, from Iowa, I did miss Iowa quite a bit. I grew up there, and it’s a beautiful place. But I don’t recall the sadness in my heart I have now over leaving Colorado.
I’ll always count Iowa as home, but Colorado is the home my heart always longed for. It’s almost like it was where I belonged. I’m not much of a mystic, but I felt a harmony with the world there. My spirit nestled in, and I felt like I was really home. Belonging. For the first time in a long time.
Last night I had a dream that I had gone back, and it was wonderful. I woke up this morning, once again remembering how much I still miss it. We’re still wondering if we didn’t make a mistake, which is an awful feeling. I daily question my choice, knowing that I did what I thought was best, but not certain if I really did what was best. It’s a struggle when your head and your heart conflict.
I’m not certain what I’ll do.
I think I regret having left without really looking back. I had made my decision, and before I even realized it, I was in a truck, making my way across Kansas with everything I own. I was so much in “let’s reach our objective” mode that I forgot to take some time and reflect. I neglected my last chances to really say goodbye to Colorado. I never even really officially said one final goodbye to all of my friends. I honestly think it’s because I didn’t think in my heart I would be gone for good. I believe I may have been nurturing a hope I would be back soon.
I still remember the night before we left, standing on our porch in the crisp, night air and looking up at the sky full of stars. I can feel the coolness of the evening, and smell the clean air. It’s invigorating, you know. That air. It’s an incredible thing.
Now I’m here in this mess of a city (I hate the city), cavorting with crazed drivers, watching people get all riled up about politics and religious issues to the point where I wonder why anyone cares anymore, and seeing the focus shift from enjoying life to enjoying things.
People in Summit County were always too focused on enjoying life to care much about what kind of car you drove, where you might live, what kind of music you listen to, where you go to church (or if you don’t), the color of your skin, or whatever other kind of prejudice you can think up. If you were trying to enjoy your life, that’s all that mattered. Everything else was just cool. It was tolerance at its finest.
I know the word “tolerance” brings up warm fuzzies for you liberals, and runs chills down the spine of most conservatives. Well, let’s get this straight—I’m not talking at all about global acceptance of anything and everything. I hate that idea. Saying I’m okay, and you’re okay, and it doesn’t matter what anyone believes is just plain stupid. Because it does matter. True tolerance is tolerating others, despite any differences. That my friends is what real tolerance is, and let me tell you, it’s a beautiful thing.
I don’t have to agree with you. I don’t have to even like you. I can respect you as a person without giving up my beliefs and without stepping on your toes. I used to hate the idea of tolerance, because I felt like I’d have to compromise my own convictions in order to practice it. I don’t think that’s true anymore.
The problem with KC is that so many people are so incredibly intolerant of anything that’s not exactly like them, it’s almost insufferable. The thing that makes it so horrible is that this city is incredibly diverse. The diversity is pretty incredible for a midwestern town. Why people won’t love that rather than argue all of the time, I don’t know.
Well, at least I have a place I can go for some rest. A place I can look forward to, and maybe even move back to someday. I miss my reggae-listening, pot-smoking, beer drinking, easy going, festival going, fun loving, “no worries” kind of people I left behind.